How do you say it?

Mark McKelson - Leadership Consultant

This is the question no one asks! How often does a staff member come to you with an issue about a student, parent or teacher and you give them great advice and it backfires? I was a glutton for punishment in my early days.  I just about worked out the wrong way to say everything in my first few years as a leader. I wouldn’t be where I am now without the support of a mentor who guided me through those difficult professional conversations.

Conflict, complaints and confrontation, they all bring about different human responses.  Whether we like it or not, these are a part of our daily work as leaders in education.  I always say the hardest part of the job, is the next person who is going to walk into the office.  You never know what’s next!  How long are we going to tippy toe around each other and avoid hard conversations. None of us like the confrontation, but there are a few things we can do to make our day much easier. I think it’s worth looking at a few scenarios and the options you have.

Scenario 1. A teacher complains that another teacher has created a mess in their room.

The teacher is complaining because they are mad and they most likely want you to do something about it. This is a great coaching opportunity. In my experience, you need to put it back on the teacher to address the issue. The worry is that without your guidance they will generally attack it to aggressively or avoid it all together. Neither option empowers them to build the confidence in themselves as a leader. The other issue here is they might be friends and they have no idea how to address it without causing harm to the relationship.  You have a responsibility as principal to ask them “how are you going to say it?” Make them role play with you and go through a couple of situations and discuss how the recipient might react.  You can’t spend too much time on teaching your staff how to have these professional conversations.  School cultures get fractured when teachers overreact and get mad or even worse avoid the issue altogether. It‘s our responsibility to coach them through these difficult conversations.  I always ask them to come back after the conversation to debrief and it’s my little way to make sure they aren’t going back to avoidance mode.

Scenario 2. A leader complains that a teacher continually misses deadlines for work with their team.

This is a great opportunity to empower the leader and put your support behind them.  In my early days I would feel sorry for the leader and their workload and do the follow up myself.  This created a couple of problems I didn’t foresee.  A few months later, I wasn’t sure if the leader was on board with the work we were doing and it was lear they were not able to separate their friendships and professional relationships. 

With the lessons learnt I changed my approach.  Next time the issue arose i asked a number of questions to gauge where their thinking was at. 

What system in place to make sure the communication prior to the deadline was clear?

Was there sufficient reminders in place?

Had they had a chat with the teacher to see how they were travelling prior?

What are they doing to build the professional relationship? 

You will find a gap and that gives you the in to dig deeper into the conversation.  The next step is talking them through how they would follow up the staff member involved.  They have to do the dirty work and you have to support them.  You need to ask the leader:

What are you going to say?

When will you do it?

What will you do if they are are non committal?

What will you do if they say yes but don’t meet the next deadline?

It’s also worth checking in with the mental health of the teacher, you never really know what’s going on at home.  New leaders will need help with that conversation and what signals to look for.  It doesn’t mean they soften their stance on the deadline, it just helps them become a more empathic leader.

What new leaders often miss is the link between the coaching training and day to day conversations. The key with paraphrasing is you need to use it in all conversations.  They need you to point out out for them.  Too many new leaders get into unnecessary conflict because they react before clarifying and understanding. You need to be there to support them.  Spend the time on your emerging leaders, they just need to know ‘How to say it”